Child, You are Forgiven and Loved
When do you suppose we are able to recognize? When are we, as humans, able to recognize are mother or our father? When are we able to look into a mirror and recognize the person gazing back at us? For some I think it takes a life time to recognize who is there, looking back at them. Three years ago I could have told you where I was planning on going and what I was intending on doing. I had a plan, a map, a goal for my life and who I wanted to be. I was set and I was ready. The day came when my car was loaded up and I was driving 500 miles away from the life I knew. I took control of the wheel and drove away from the life of my past. I left it there twiddling it's thumbs waiting for me to return and occasionally I would. I would visit the life I left behind remember the memories and good times I had, letting the brilliance of the moment overshadow the darkness left to hide.
While good memories were content on waiting for me to return to bask in their glow once more as I ventured down memory lane; the bad and hurt, the damaging and shaming darkness was not content to be ignored. I could place myself back into the light, into the brightness of the good days, but it was darkness that followed me, reminding me that I was not in control. I entered into meaningful relationships that scared and rescued me. I took the trepidatious steps into falling in love again, always aware of the pain and shame just around the bend.
I write about this darkness and pain coming from the other side, through release and peace! I have carried a burden to heavy for me to withstand because of the feeling of being unworthy and ashamed of the person failing to be. The darkness that consumed every thought, every action and every feeling was right about one thing and one thing only: I am not in control. I am called by a God more brilliant, more powerful, more loving and more gracious then anything I am capable of understanding. I am guided by an understanding to live the life worth living. To live with love, peace, presence, compassion, trust and life.
A few months back I attended a healing prayer session here on campus. I was encouraged to open up to someone who was close to me and encouraged to ask them to join me for support. I did just that. I did not disclose many details when I asked my friend to join me that day. All she knew was that I was seeking healing prayer and wanted her there. Throughout the session it became clear that the depth to which the healing needed to take place required me to be open and trusting. This friend came to know the deepest and darkest places of my life that I have hid from those around me. She came to know the pain, the guilt and the shame that had controlled my life. And she embraced me and loved me and spoke the words I need to hear into the depths of my heart. She recommended a book for me to read, not so much recommended as told me to read it no questions or hesitations allowed. I stared at the book for months reluctant to open it. I would read a few pages then forget about it for a few weeks. I was feeling pretty good about my life thinking that the pain was gone. Slowly the darkness found it's way to creep back in and poison my thoughts. I picked the book up again last week with an earnest heart and opened heart to read from it.
The book is titled Redeeming Love, it tells the story of a young women who never understood what love really meant. Who had a manipulated outlook on love, freedom and God. This young woman had for her whole life let the voice of fear and shame speak the truth into her life. The book is the story of her journey. It is a story that is easy to relate to when you find yourself in the darkest parts of your valley's and the fear and timidity that one feels when hope seems to be within reach. I put down the book this evening, not to walk away from it again, but because it was finished. I put the book down and cried. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was hopefully and I cried because I was filled with peace and a sense of release. I cried because I knew something now that I chose not to understand before. I am not defined by the person I was. God has called and has made me new. I have been called, chosen and redeemed through him. I have a past and a story that does not condemn me but strengthens me and pushes me to live the life I was called to live.
This is by far one of my more personal posts, shedding light into my darkest night of the soul. I do not write so that you feel pity, I write so that I may be free that I may feel peace. I write so that those who have found themselves in their darkest night, listening to the lies that fear, shame, guilt and pain speak so loudly, can know that their is redemption, forgiveness and love fighting to enter into life. I write to affirm and establish, that I, the beloved child of God, am forgiven and loved.
While good memories were content on waiting for me to return to bask in their glow once more as I ventured down memory lane; the bad and hurt, the damaging and shaming darkness was not content to be ignored. I could place myself back into the light, into the brightness of the good days, but it was darkness that followed me, reminding me that I was not in control. I entered into meaningful relationships that scared and rescued me. I took the trepidatious steps into falling in love again, always aware of the pain and shame just around the bend.
I write about this darkness and pain coming from the other side, through release and peace! I have carried a burden to heavy for me to withstand because of the feeling of being unworthy and ashamed of the person failing to be. The darkness that consumed every thought, every action and every feeling was right about one thing and one thing only: I am not in control. I am called by a God more brilliant, more powerful, more loving and more gracious then anything I am capable of understanding. I am guided by an understanding to live the life worth living. To live with love, peace, presence, compassion, trust and life.
A few months back I attended a healing prayer session here on campus. I was encouraged to open up to someone who was close to me and encouraged to ask them to join me for support. I did just that. I did not disclose many details when I asked my friend to join me that day. All she knew was that I was seeking healing prayer and wanted her there. Throughout the session it became clear that the depth to which the healing needed to take place required me to be open and trusting. This friend came to know the deepest and darkest places of my life that I have hid from those around me. She came to know the pain, the guilt and the shame that had controlled my life. And she embraced me and loved me and spoke the words I need to hear into the depths of my heart. She recommended a book for me to read, not so much recommended as told me to read it no questions or hesitations allowed. I stared at the book for months reluctant to open it. I would read a few pages then forget about it for a few weeks. I was feeling pretty good about my life thinking that the pain was gone. Slowly the darkness found it's way to creep back in and poison my thoughts. I picked the book up again last week with an earnest heart and opened heart to read from it.
The book is titled Redeeming Love, it tells the story of a young women who never understood what love really meant. Who had a manipulated outlook on love, freedom and God. This young woman had for her whole life let the voice of fear and shame speak the truth into her life. The book is the story of her journey. It is a story that is easy to relate to when you find yourself in the darkest parts of your valley's and the fear and timidity that one feels when hope seems to be within reach. I put down the book this evening, not to walk away from it again, but because it was finished. I put the book down and cried. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was hopefully and I cried because I was filled with peace and a sense of release. I cried because I knew something now that I chose not to understand before. I am not defined by the person I was. God has called and has made me new. I have been called, chosen and redeemed through him. I have a past and a story that does not condemn me but strengthens me and pushes me to live the life I was called to live.
This is by far one of my more personal posts, shedding light into my darkest night of the soul. I do not write so that you feel pity, I write so that I may be free that I may feel peace. I write so that those who have found themselves in their darkest night, listening to the lies that fear, shame, guilt and pain speak so loudly, can know that their is redemption, forgiveness and love fighting to enter into life. I write to affirm and establish, that I, the beloved child of God, am forgiven and loved.
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