Selfish Busyness
Can someone be addicted to being busy, or making sure that ones life is so full of doing stuff, remembering stuff, participating and leading stuff; that they become like any other addict and they become dependent on this lifestyle? If so, I think I have crossed a line. This coming from the girl who has had a paying job since she was 12-years-old. As soon as I could sign up for a workmen's permit I did, my dad dropped me off and picked me up from my job for a year before I got my license. Since then I have always juggled work, school, family, friends, and my faith. To be completely honest, it is exhausting. This Life is exhausting.
Now that I have established that the light at the end of this LONG tunnel of schooling is not a train coming to plow me over, but that in reality my time as a student is rounding the corner to the finish line; there is a huge part of my life that is not going to exist any more. This part of who I have clung to as my identity will simply not be there any more. I will no longer be a student. This label and all the things associated with it has been a part of me for the past almost 21 years. At school we begin learning at a very young age how to keep ourselves busy. When we are done with an assignment of project while in class, the teacher inevitably has some sort of wonderful "busy-work" for students to do. Just work to keep them occupied, quiet, studying, busy. I remember, on the regular, teachers giving me small projects and tasks to do when I finished something early. That's not what I wanted. Even to this day it is still not what I want. I do not want to finish a task only to be given more things to do; just because I finished a task does not mean I wanted more things to do, that is the worst award ever. In school I finished these things so I could read, or sit and write, or just sit in thought. These things however, were never encouraged while I was at school. For the 45 min. I got on the bus ride to and from school. I got to just focus on whatever I wanted to. I read, I wrote notes, I doodled on the windows through the frost and fog, but for those 45 minutes I got to just be.
When was the last time you got to just be. To wake up in the morning, whenever you wanted to, and then make the decision whether or not to fall back to sleep or go eat pizza for breakfast? When was the last time you were able to simply spend a day doing the things you love to do?
I have fooled myself into thinking that I get to live my life and do the things I love to do every day! There is a catch though, I do these things with that ting of guilt and hurry-ness because I know that there are things that need to be turned in, finished writing, laundry in the washer that is on the verge of needing to be washed again, the cat has a vet appointment this afternoon, and my husband wants roast for dinner. Even as I am sitting at work writing this, I may not have work related things pressing on me, but, the open theological books strewn across my desk scream another story, the flashing notification light on my cell phone warns me that there is something drawing my attention away from me. There is always something drawing our attention away from the immediate. There is always something to keep us busy.
I have begin really searching down deep within to figure out myself. Instead of just being okay with what I am feeling, I want to know why I am feeling this way. Why when I work really hard on creating something new and informative, it is completely disregarded and looked over to stay with something outdated and overused. Why this hurts so deeply and has the ability to change my entire day. Answer: I have intertwined my identity, who I am, with what I do, with what I keep myself busy with. When someone denies or destroys that which I have worked on it then becomes that person denying and destroying who I am, my worth.
I am breaking that stigma today. That is the point of this post. The theology books are still screaming at me from the desk, my phone is still flashing at me, and I will most likely turn my attention directly to those things the moment I hit "publish" on this post, but that is not the point. The point is: I took the time to be selfish. To spend 15 minutes this afternoon to sit and write, to do something I love and attempted to focus solely on that one thing.
Hey I am not perfect, but it is a start, right!?
Blessings & Joy
Now that I have established that the light at the end of this LONG tunnel of schooling is not a train coming to plow me over, but that in reality my time as a student is rounding the corner to the finish line; there is a huge part of my life that is not going to exist any more. This part of who I have clung to as my identity will simply not be there any more. I will no longer be a student. This label and all the things associated with it has been a part of me for the past almost 21 years. At school we begin learning at a very young age how to keep ourselves busy. When we are done with an assignment of project while in class, the teacher inevitably has some sort of wonderful "busy-work" for students to do. Just work to keep them occupied, quiet, studying, busy. I remember, on the regular, teachers giving me small projects and tasks to do when I finished something early. That's not what I wanted. Even to this day it is still not what I want. I do not want to finish a task only to be given more things to do; just because I finished a task does not mean I wanted more things to do, that is the worst award ever. In school I finished these things so I could read, or sit and write, or just sit in thought. These things however, were never encouraged while I was at school. For the 45 min. I got on the bus ride to and from school. I got to just focus on whatever I wanted to. I read, I wrote notes, I doodled on the windows through the frost and fog, but for those 45 minutes I got to just be.
When was the last time you got to just be. To wake up in the morning, whenever you wanted to, and then make the decision whether or not to fall back to sleep or go eat pizza for breakfast? When was the last time you were able to simply spend a day doing the things you love to do?I have fooled myself into thinking that I get to live my life and do the things I love to do every day! There is a catch though, I do these things with that ting of guilt and hurry-ness because I know that there are things that need to be turned in, finished writing, laundry in the washer that is on the verge of needing to be washed again, the cat has a vet appointment this afternoon, and my husband wants roast for dinner. Even as I am sitting at work writing this, I may not have work related things pressing on me, but, the open theological books strewn across my desk scream another story, the flashing notification light on my cell phone warns me that there is something drawing my attention away from me. There is always something drawing our attention away from the immediate. There is always something to keep us busy.
I have begin really searching down deep within to figure out myself. Instead of just being okay with what I am feeling, I want to know why I am feeling this way. Why when I work really hard on creating something new and informative, it is completely disregarded and looked over to stay with something outdated and overused. Why this hurts so deeply and has the ability to change my entire day. Answer: I have intertwined my identity, who I am, with what I do, with what I keep myself busy with. When someone denies or destroys that which I have worked on it then becomes that person denying and destroying who I am, my worth.
Today's Lesson: Be Selfish
In today's culture we are accused of being the most selfish generation. I look around and I am witnessed to a generation that is incredibly selfish by being unselfish. They are selfish in all of the time they pour into school work to further themselves in a competitive environment. They are selfish in the time they have to carve out for extracurricular's so that their college applications are well rounded. They are selfish to a company that requires them to take work home to a wife and 3-kids. They are selfish to a church that asks continuously of their time and money. I do not see a generation that is a self-selfish generation. I see a generation that has been guided into a mindset of always to be busy, there is no time for you to be you, there is no time.I am breaking that stigma today. That is the point of this post. The theology books are still screaming at me from the desk, my phone is still flashing at me, and I will most likely turn my attention directly to those things the moment I hit "publish" on this post, but that is not the point. The point is: I took the time to be selfish. To spend 15 minutes this afternoon to sit and write, to do something I love and attempted to focus solely on that one thing.
Hey I am not perfect, but it is a start, right!?
Blessings & Joy
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