What You Did Know...

Today was a bad day: I tried really hard not to let you know. You tried really hard to pretend you didn't know. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: Inside I was screaming, inside I was in pain. Still a smile remained and I carried on my way. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: I felt alone in my understanding of things, I felt alone in my struggles in life, I felt alone in a building and a home full of people. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: I came home a slept just because life was to hard. I came home and broke down. I came home and busied myself to stop the pain. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: I lost the meaning and the purpose of the moments. I failed to realize the reasons why. I escaped today by ignoring today. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: The choices I made me questions who I am. The reasons I made me hate the person that I am. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day: I had to force myself to put the smile on my face and pleasantly talk with you. I had to remember that today was not a bad day for you...

Today was a bad day: Your told me what I thought you did not know. There it is left naked and bear between us in our home. My brokenness, broke you today. Today will be better.

Today was a bad day.

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Many of these things I have felt and gone through, in a single day alone. Somedays I come home from work and just know in my deepest most inner being: that today was a bad day. Some days I am able to pin-point that moment in my day where storm clouds came in and clouded the joy of the sun. Other days I am failing to comprehend and understand. All throughout high school and college and now adult life I have friends, family, and people I work with who care deeply for me and will be the first person to tell me, "I know what your going through but you are going to get through this. You are strong. Be happy because..." I would much rather hear, "I don't know what you are going through but I am here for you. Right now you don't have to be that strong capable, put together woman; right now you need to break down and allow yourself to heal. It is okay to feel anything put happy right now Feel angry, upset, devastated, pissed-off. Just feel something." It is always easier to put a band-aid on a wound then it is to surgically investigate, to dig deep and unveil the source of the bleeding. I have become pretty good at applying first-aid to myself. I put a band-aid on and when whatever is going on begins to bleed through, another band-aid is applied. Some days I need longer to identify why I have found myself in the dark, some days I refuse to even venture a guess and stay in the darkness, but this darkness is NEVER where I want to stay. I am so thankful and immensely grateful for those people in my life who chose to climb down into my darkness, not to help me out or to coach me or lecture me; but to just be with me.

Today was a bad day, but, today will be better!